She's away with the pixies (awaywithpixie) wrote in not_ttc_now,
She's away with the pixies

Hi everyone

Hi everyone. My name is Jane, and I'm 37.

I found this community after getting involved in some utter nonsense that went on in someone's LJ about being childless and hating children, and I just had to find some people who are/have been in a similar situation to mine.

My husband had mumps as a child, so is completely infertile. I had endo as a teen, but nothing really, really bad.

But the upshot of it all is that we can either adopt, or go through IVF with doner sperm. That is of course, if we wanted to.

Now, we've known this for 15 years, but like most young couples, we put off any thought of adoption until later. I live in Australia, and adoption is harder than winning the lottery. There are less than 50 children put up for adoption in this country, and you can only do foreign adoption with a few listed countries. The age limit is now 25, and you have to pass some serious psychological profiling to even 'pass'. My friend Maggie has gone through it recently, but she said it nearly ruined their marriage (6 months of counselling and keeping a diary), and the person doing their assessment was a childless social worker!

So that avenue is completely out of reach. Even if I did an Angelina Jolie, I couldn't get the child back in the country, as you can't just 'buy' a baby and bring it home.

As for the IVF, it's almost out of our reach financially, but we both said NO, because we didn't feel that a child using doner sperm would be ours. It's just our thoughts for us. There is nothing at all wrong with the idea of a doner, we just didn't feel right about it for us.

So here we are, childless by no choice of our own, and not likely to become parents at all.

Looking around the internet, it seems that as a group, those who are infertile and not actively trying to become parents are an almost silent minority.

Yes, we all get the pitiful stare and the awfully patronising suggestions when we do tell people. For the longest time we were mistaken for a couple who 'didn't want' to have kids, and were getting judged as being selfish. We started telling people just so that we could avoid that whole line of conversation. Still, it isn't any easier, but it shuts up the most ardent conversation that is going on and on and on about children.

The hardest thing for us is the fact that all our friends and family have children, and socially it is very awkward. We are coping well with our future, but we both have days where we wish we could have kids, and other days we are grateful we are childless.

A number of things about this whole situation, however, do make me really angry. I get angry at the people who go through IVF over and over and over and over because they think they are a failure if they don't have a child. That line of thinking is just so unproductive. Apparently my sister in law was a 'failure in life' because she wasn't a mother by 30. I gave her a serve about that.

I get angry at the number of abandoned and homeless children in the world, and the fact that governments are stopping many of them from having homes to go to. If I could take a homeless child and raise it as my own, I would. I'd take as many as I could. But I can't. That sucks big time. My mother was working in Vietnam as a nurse, and rang me to tell me she had a baby. It had been abandoned in the hospital, and she could pretty much do what she liked with it. Unfortunately, if she ever tried to bring it into Australia, she would not be allowed and the child would be returned to a Vietnamese orphanage. How suckful is that?

And most of all, I get angry at the fact that there are people making babies who shouldn't be allowed to. I know that's a judgmental statement, but procreating takes absolutely no talent, no skill, and in many cases, not a lot of effort. That's an irrefutable fact. Something that is supposed to be so 'easy' is so damn hard for so many couples, yet people who can't even look after themselves are having children, perpetuating the whole cycle. My mother in law is a foster carer, and to see the numbers of abandoned and mistreated children in the world really makes me sadder than sad.

I work with a girl who is 23, but has the mental capacity of a 14 year old. She is extremely 'easy' when it comes to men (they look at her and she giggles, and guys always have taken advantage of her for that). We tried to help her, but she couldn't help herself. So now she has fallen pregnant to a guy after a one night stand, and then sent him a text message to tell him she was pregnant, thinking it would all be marriage and roses and white picket fences! You can guess his reaction, and now she's going to raise the child alone with her mother (who is a pensioner). This girl doesn't even earn enough to pay for nappies for a week! What gets me is that she thinks this baby is going to be like a puppy - all cute and cuddly and wonderful. THAT makes me angrier than angry.

I guess I don't hate children. I don't like them either, but I have normal ups and downs every day, but I will support anyone who makes a conscious choice to have/not have kids.

Gah! I said a lot there. Sorry about that. But hey, here I am, and here if anyone needs to talk, chat, rant or vent!
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